In addition to math, there are two things that irk me in this life: magicians and riddles. Magicians I simply find cheesy and annoying; I’d rather slice off my own head and boil it in acid than watch a magic show. No, I will not pick a card, no, I don’t care to see you slice a person in half, and I don’t want to know how any of your tricks work. Now, if you can produce a working time machine, then we’ll talk, but if all you’re going to do is play with Dixie cups and ping-pong balls, keep on steppin’.
Riddles just piss me off. Whenever someone says to me, “Hey, I’ve got a riddle for you,” I wait until they’re done with their little spiel and say, “I’m not going to guess, so you might as well tell me. I really don’t care that much.” I really don’t see the point in trying to figure a riddle out when the answer will always be lame. Case in point:
Riddle Teller: Hey, I’ve got a riddle for you! What’s black, white and read all over?
Me: I don’t care.
Riddle Teller: A newspaper! Get it?
And then the person telling the riddle looks at you like they’ve just given you the greatest revelation since the angel told the Virgin Mary she was knocked up by God. It makes me want to punch something, namely the riddle teller’s face.
Which is why I’d suck as Batman.
God help the poor people of Gotham City if I ever had to go toe-to-toe with The Riddler, because it would probably end with Gotham being blown up and me, Alfred and Robin re-locating to Hawaii. I just wouldn’t solve The Riddler’s puzzles. The Riddler would be all, “Riddle me this, Batman: I’m high in the sky and twice as high. What am I?” and I’d just be like, “Honestly, I’m not even going to bother solving this, Riddler. So either you just tell me where you hid the bomb and try to fuck up my plans to find it in a more straight-forward manner, or just blow the city up. You know what, here, here is the key to city, just blow it up and save us all some headache. If you look at the statistics, I’ve cleaned up a lot of crime here in Gotham. A LOT. If this were any other city, it’d be like Mayberry in terms of safety and crime. But not Gotham. More and more insane people just climb out of the woodworks wanting to fuck with me, and you know what? I’m over it. I don’t see how I’ve helped this city at all. So just blow it up and stop bothering me.” Then I’d take the Bat Copter or whatever flying device Batman has and fly myself to Hawaii and indulge in frosty frozen beverages on the beach.
You know what, though? I wonder if Apathetic Batman would inadvertently triumph. I’m no expert on Batman lore, but from watching the movies, it seems like the villains get their jollies from toying with Batman, not necessarily from destroying Gotham City. They like the cat-and-mouse aspect. If Apathetic Batman simply doesn’t give a shit, what joy do the villains get? Destroying Gotham without Batman putting up a fight isn’t as sweet. So maybe I’d be totally awesome as Batman. The Joker would pop up and be like, “I’m going to do all sorts of crazy shit around this city until you stop me!” and I’d just be like, “Go ahead, you loony bastard. I don’t have time for crazy.” Mr. Freeze would stop by and say, “I’m going to freeze out Gotham City!” and I’d reply, “Great, awesome, then we’re just like the rest of the northeast. Wonderful.” They wouldn’t be expecting these sorts of responses, so they’d get confused, wouldn’t know what to do, and eventually retreat to wherever they came from and play cards or something.
Yeah. I’d be totally awesome as Batman.