Show Me How You Burlesque

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Actually, don’t show me, because if you are anybody other than the cast of iBurlesque/i, you will probably look like a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0amp;feature=related”this/a and embarrass all of us. Speaking of embarrassing, you know what movie wasn’t as embarrassing as I was expecting it to be? iBurlesque/i. Transition. Nailed it. divbr //divdivDon’t get me wrong, this movie won’t win any awards. The plot and dialogue could have been written by a hyperactive second grader who was just given a giant chocolate bar and a 2-liter bottle of soda. It’s basically iCoyote Ugly/i without Tyra Banks and John Goodman, but it wasn’t as bad asi Coyote Ugly. /iI know, I know–WTF, am I right? Here’s what separates it from that other movie about a small town girl (livin’ in a lonely world) who stook the midnight train heading anywhere/s moves to the big city to follow her dreams: the dance numbers. The performance sequences in iBurlesque/i make the gals in iCoyote Ugly/i look like a bunch of drunken Okies just bumbling around, salivating like Pavlov’s dogs whenever their eyes land on a sweat-stained fiver wielded by an overweight businessman smack dab in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Allow me to utilize a visual aid:/divdivbr //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://pkconfessions.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/coyote-ugly-movie-08.jpg” alt=”coyote-ugly-movie-08.jpg (445×282)” //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bLow self-esteem! Daddy issues!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://www.netkushi.com/gallery2/var/albums/Hollywood-Movie-Stills/B/Burlesque-movie-stills/Burlesque_Movie_stills_19.jpg?m=1288170997″ alt=”Burlesque_Movie_stills_19.jpg (600×400)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bFlashy! Pretty!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://images.contactmusic.com/images/reviews/coyoteugly.jpg” alt=”coyoteugly.jpg (250×215)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bHot mess! White trash!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qcBSx5LjqOA/TO76e1mbqYI/AAAAAAAAAWk/GkvIp2p50WY/s1600/burlesque-movie-poster-1020556594.jpg” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bSexy! Sassy! Sophisticated!/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”Are we on the same web page now? Anyway, I basically gave away the plot earlier, but here’s a more detailed breakdown: Christina Aguilera plays Allie, a small-town girl from Iowa, who moves to L.A. to follow her dreams. She stumbles upon the Burlesque Lounge and is immediately all, “OMG if I don’t become a performer here I will slit my wrists!” But then Cher is all, “Hold up, homegirl, don’t think you can come in imy house/i with your dreams and your hope! You know what I do to dreams and hope? I shit on them. That’s what I do. This is me, shitting on your dreams and your hope. Buh-bye.” Allie then is like, “Oh, ihells naw/i,” so she gets a job as a waitress at the lounge, where she spends most of her time watching the show, yet istill/i manages to get people the right drinks. I don’t get it. I also don’t get all the staring that goes down in this damn movie. This is pretty much the first half hour:/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”br //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”OMG, I wanna be up there.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”OMG, I ineed /ito be up there.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”OMG, I would sell my body in a sexual way to be up there.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQqJTSDPDBqoO4sACwOJcFDi_N9LFA9-PDs_yt-bs1bfl2UN1MQamp;t=1″ //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”Seriously, who do I have to bang to get up there?!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”After more staring and pleading, Allie eventually annoys Cher enough to get a spot as a performer. But that’s not the end of the story! She finds herself in a love triangle with a bartender named Jake and McSteamy from iGrey’s Anatomy/i, she steps on the toes of a rival dancer played by Kristen Bell, she pals around with Stanley Tucci who reprises his role from iThe Devil Wears Prada/i, iand/i she helps Cher keep her club from going under. Phew! That’s a lot for a girl from Iowa who has been in the City of Angels for a month, two months, tops! It can pretty much be summed up like this:/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”br //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”img src=”http://s4.daemonsmovies.com/mov/up/2010/11/burlesque-movie-photo-01-550×366.jpg” alt=”burlesque-movie-photo-01-550×366.jpg (550×366)” //divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”Gosh, you’re pretty.”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/stylewatch/blog/070115/mcsteamy_400x300.jpg” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I am McSteamy! Have sex with me!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://screencrave.frsucrave.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Picture-185.jpg” alt=”Picture-185.jpg (565×378)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I’m the gay mentor who everybody looks to for support!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://www.makeushot.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Kristen-Bell-Burlesque-Promos4.jpg” alt=”Kristen-Bell-Burlesque-Promos4.jpg (426×639)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I hate that tramp!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/2010/11/cher-burlesque.jpg” alt=”cher-burlesque.jpg (450×300)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”I’m Cher, bitch! Respect!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bimg src=”http://netkushi.com/gallery2/var/albums/Hollywood-Movie-Stills/B/Burlesque-movie-stills/Burlesque_Movie_stills_26.jpg?m=1288171001″ alt=”Burlesque_Movie_stills_26.jpg (600×400)” //b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”b”Yay, let’s dance and be sexy!”/b/divdiv style=”text-align: center;”bbr //b/divdiv style=”text-align: left;”Still, though, iBurlesque/i was pretty enjoyable, and the costumes and performances are hot. If you want a movie sans plot holes as big as sinkholes, go rent iKramer vs. Kramer/i or iPhiladelphia/i or something. But if all you want is to have a good time and watch pretty girls in pretty clothes prettily strut around on their pretty little legs, then give iBurlesque/i a whirl. /divdiv /div

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Saving Her Life says:

    You have convinced me to check out this movie. If nothing else, I will imagine your running commentary throughout it and may possibly pee my pants (because I almost did while reading your review). 🙂

    Like

  2. SVB says:

    Hahaha yay! Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂

    Like

  3. SVB says:

    HAHAHA! It is a treat, lemme tell you.

    Like

  4. Jenna says:

    OMG, I love the pics and commentary. I don#39;t think I need to see the movie now….you pretty much summed it up.

    Like

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