My friend Ali and I love dinosaurs. To be fair, when I say that we love dinosaurs, I don’t mean we love them in the sense that we read about them and are interested in learning about their eating habits or what part of the world each species is from. Our enthusiasm can basically be summed up by the simple phrase, “Dinosaurs are cool and Jurassic Park is one of the greatest movies ever.” In other words, it’s not much more mature than an eight year-old child’s. So when we saw this costume, we just about flipped our shit: (Shits? Should it be plural? Never mind, not the point.)
It’s a motherfucking velociraptor costume, y’all! That’s pretty much the coolest thing ever invented, and, yes, that includes toilet paper. Do you know how much fun I could have with a costume like that? Here is just a taste:
1. Go trick-or-treating and terrorize kids into giving me their candy.
2. Answer the door when trick-or-treaters come around for candy and terrorize them into NOT taking any.
3. Go in people’s backyards, tap on their windows and run away (making sure they get a good glimpse of me before I run off). What are they gonna do? Call animal control and say they saw a dinosaur in their backyard?
4. Run up and down Bayshore Blvd. and just see what kind of reactions I’d get.
5. Try to play with my dog. Since she is apprehensive of other dogs, and they are her own species, she’d probably have a stroke when she came face to face with a dinosaur. Actually, maybe I won’t terrorize Ava. I don’t want her dying prematurely from a stroke.
6. Screw it, I’m fucking with my dog. She probably won’t die, just run under the bed. AND GUESS WHO WILL BE WAITING FOR HER WHEN SHE COMES OUT?
7. Go to the dog park. Why should Ava have all the fun?
8. Write a blog post. Sample: “woie hPOIFH Poi hpf]WEPI ]i 09UET[u-TUI =-00ETejti.”
9. Go through the McDonald’s drive-thru.
10. Enter a dance-off.
11. Go speed-dating.
It’s probably a good thing I don’t have a large disposable income because I’d spend most of it on stupid shit like velociraptor costumes and this.