If any of you follow current events at all, you’re probably aware that after Harold Camping’s epic Rapture failure back in May, he was all, “My bad, y’all! (Insert gibbersh nonsense meant to explain why the Rapture didn’t happen)” and re-scheduled it for today. I don’t believe in the Rapture (no offense to those of you who do). However, I do believe in the Rapta*. Who is the Rapta, exactly?
The Rapta is like Jesus, Shaft, Samuel L. Jackson, and a velociraptor combined. He’s a bad-ass mofo who possesses a curious sexual prowess yet also has divine powers and prehistoric deadliness. He will judge the masses with a holy righteous anger and urban style. He will cast people into Hell while saying something Samuel L. Jackson-esque like, “Sleep tight, motherfuckers.” And he’s not afraid to whip out his talons and cut any believers who give him lip. The Rapta is both awe-inspiring and terrifying. And when he comes back for his followers, it’s going to be one cool, urban, shit-storm of an apocalypse. Think Jurassic Park. Think the book of Revelation. Think Pulp Fiction. Now think of all those things combined and set against a soundtrack of 90s Warren G and Snoop Dogg.
Better get right the Rapta now, folks. He’s scheduled to come back October 22, 2011. Spread the word. (Hey, that’s tomorrow!)
*I really don’t. Transition device, people!