Merry Christmas! Like pretty much the rest of America, I am celebrating with my family, opening presents, eating a ridic Christmas din din, and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. And upon watching this timeless holiday special as an adult, I have a few thoughts:
1. Peppermint Patty is sooooo a lesbian. I mean come on, homegirl wears basketball shorts and mandals, and she probably played on the Peanuts softball team. Let’s call a spade a spade.
I’m pretty sure Marcie is also bi-curious. That explains her seemingly inexplicable friendship with Patty and the fact that she calls her “sir.” Either that or she’s hella confused. Either way, middle school and high school are going to be pivotal eras in her quest of self-discovery. Maybe college too.
2. Lucy is a whore. She just has that vibe, right? I’ll bet she sleeps with all the boys at Peanuts High School by the time she turns eighteen. She’ll also be on a future episode of Teen Mom.
3. Pig Pen’s future is going into a trade. He just doesn’t look like he’d be an academic success. He looks more like a guy who’ll work with his hands. After he graduates from Peanuts High School, he’ll go to a trade school where he’ll study welding. Not that that’s a bad thing. Welders can make up to $62,000 a year! Hell, that’s more than what I’m making with a college degree! So let’s not hate on Pig Pen. Sure, he’s a hot mess now, but he’ll get the last laugh at the high school reunion when he’s a baller and the only thing that whore Lucy will have to show for the past ten years are her seven children and a wicked case of herpes.
4. Schroeder is a tortured genius. The incredible range he gets out of that toy piano is just the beginning. He’ll compose his first symphony at the age of thirteen, drop out of school and get privately tutored, and study at Julliard. He’ll achieve so much success at such a young age that he won’t be able to handle it so he’ll turn to booze, pills, and sex until he just does himself in one night during a drug-crazed orgy at the age of 23. But the upside is his name will be counted among the likes of Beethoven and Mozart.
5. Charlie Brown and Linus will co-found Peanuts’ version of Apple. Not too bad for a blockhead and a kid past the age of four who carries a blanket around. They, along with Pig Pen, will pwn the rest of the Peanuts gang at the high school reunion and eventually take over the Peanuts universe. Suck on that, haters!
6. Snoopy will live forever. Because he’s awesome. And it wouldn’t be Peanuts without that little bastard.