[why i’d never use elimination communication with my future children]

While I was screwing around online the other day, I ran across the “latest technique” in parenting: elimination communication (EC). Basically, EC is a method that doesn’t utilize diapers. Parents watch for cues from their child that indicate the child needs to use the bathroom, then haul ass to get that kid over a toilet, sink, garbage can, bush, paint can, dog’s water bowl, you name it, so the kid can do his or her business then go along his or her merry little way and resume playing blocks or writing on the walls with crayon or whatever it is kids do. No muss, no fuss. The parents save a shit-load of money on diapers and feel like they’re doing something positive for the environment, and the kid gets a head-start on potty training. Everyone wins.
If I ever have kids, chances are I will not use this method. Aside from offending my fashion sense (for someone to wear only half an outfit, even if that someone is two, is just plain wrong), I wouldn’t use EC for the simple fact that it’s not fair. To me.

Kids have the maddening advantage of being able to get away with stuff adults can’t on the premises that they’re cute and young enough to get away with it. Thus, a kid gets away with being able to run around without pants or undergarments because nobody is offended by his or her lower torso nudity. DO YOU REALIZE HOW COMFORTABLE THAT KID MUST BE?! He or she can just play with his or her Barbies or He-Man action figures without a frigging care in the world, unhindered by clothes. If he or she has dimples on his or her butt, it’s adorable and not, “OHMYGOD, has that person ever heard of lunges? What a nasty-ass cottage cheese backside!” The only judgement would be directed at the parents (for letting their kid run around pantsless) and not at the kid. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. But switch out the adorable toddler for a 45 year-old woman named Greta, and people are all, “What is wrong with that woman? Why doesn’t she have any pants and underwear on? Is she mentally handicapable?” Poor Greta. All she wanted was to walk the high school track in comfort.

So, no, EC is not in the cards for my future children. They’ll be able to get away with enough things based on their cuteness, and I’m not consciously adding a sweet, pants-free life to the list.

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