[open letter to jonathan taylor thomas]


Hi Jonathan (a.k.a. JTT a.k.a Simba a.k.a. the man of my house [read: dreams] when I was 13),

My name is SVB. You don’t know me, but I loved your face back in 1997 (as did every other girl between the ages of 10 and 14). I faithfully watched Home Improvement every week, I owned all of your movies (even that creepy live-action version of Pinocchio; I’m sorry for calling something you worked hard on creepy, but it kind of was. I mean, I’m sure if I was high it would blow my mind, but looking back on it 15 years later and sober, it does look like something out of one of my nightmares) and, like the rest of your fans, I was bummed when you disappeared off the face of the Earth. So imagine my surprise and delight when I stumbled upon yourEntertainment Weekly interview! It’s like with that one interview, the world went from, “Remember when JTT was RULING at EVERYTHING back in the late 90s?” to, “HOLY FUCKING HELL, JTT IS BACK! JUSTIN BIEBER BETTER GIRD HIS LOINS AND WATCH HIS BACK BECAUSE SIMBA IS GOING TO MAUL THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!” Or something. It was cool to see you back in the spotlight, is what I’m getting at.

It was also cool to see that you’ve taken to the Twitter. While I have no definitive proof that it is actually YOUR Twitter account, I am assuming it is based on the following:

1.) It is private, and fake accounts generally aren’t;

2.) Your profile background is a picture I have not been able to find on Google Images, which means that it’s not in the public domain, which means only people close to that photo have access, which leads me to believe that it is really your account.

To be honest, I really haven’t searched that hard for that specific picture, and there is a chance I am really stupid when it comes to using Google Images, but I’m still going to assume that’s your actual Twitter profile. Going on this assumption, I sent a follow request, which you ignored.

I understand where you’re coming from. You have no idea who the hell I am. Why would you want a stranger following you? That’s creepy. I would normally agree, except for the fact that you have 1,071 followers. Really, Jonathan? Do you reallyknow 1,071 people? Could you honestly say that you’ve met all 1,071 of your Twitter followers and you hang out with them on a normal basis? If you were to win a Super Bowl Party for 1,071 of your closest friends, would you invite every single one of your Twitter followers?
 
Let’s be real here. Just because you allow a user access to your tweets doesn’t mean that you’re allowing him or her access into your heart and home. It doesn’t grant that user an invite to an Oscar Party you may be hosting or an hour-long heart-to-heart phone convo. And I don’t want any of that. I have no intention of showing up on your doorstep in a homemade JTT shirt with the entire Home Improvement DVD collection and demanding we have a viewing marathon during which I describe to you (in detail) how each episode made me feel. First of all, I don’t own any Home Improvement DVDs. Second of all, I’m not that crafty. Any attempt at making a homemade t-shirt will end up looking like this:
 
I just wanna see your tweets, bra. I’m curious as to what your thoughts will look like limited to 140 characters. Some of mine are as follows:
 
“Cramming a muffin into my pie-hole. MMMMMM.”
 
“Dick Van Dyke is looking a little Donald Sutherland-y.”
 
“Just bought $12 worth of juice. Holy Shit.”
 
Believe it or not, there are worse tweets out there. There are better. I’m betting yours are one of the better ones, and I just want to read them.
 
So, dear, sweet, Jonathan, I will send one more follow request. I urge you to think long and hard before dismissively hitting “ignore.” I’m not a psychopath; I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy’s Twitter profile, asking him to let her see his tweets.
 
Bye bye,
 
SVB
 
P.S. Contrary to what it looks like, I was not drunk when I wrote this. 
P.P.S. Kisses and hearts

 

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