Who says teen idols have to be relegated to the guys? There are plenty of ladies out there who are just as prominent in teen pop culture and who deserve a shot at a fair fight. In case you’re new to the game, Teen Idol Beat-Down lets us imagine a fictional fight between a teen idol of yore and a teen idol of today. Winner will be decided via poll; most votes = biggest badass. As always, I will be outlining each fighter’s strengths so you can make an informed decision. Let’s meet two new contenders tonight, shall we?
Melissa Joan Hart vs. Hilary Duff
In the early 90s, Melissa Joan Hart was in a show on Nickelodeon called Clarissa Explains It All.
Wearing outfits that would make anybody else look like a moron, she matter-of-factly discussed everything from how to deal with annoying little brothers to juggling multiple after school jobs. After Clarissa
, she starred in Sabrina the Teenage Witch
, where pretty much every episode was about her aunts telling her she couldn’t use her magic powers because it was unfair to everybody else and Sabrina going, “Eff that, I’m using them!” Because having magical powers and not being able to use them is BULLSHIT.
Hilary Duff came on the scene at the dawn of the new millennium when she starred in Lizzie McGuire.
I honestly couldn’t tell you what Lizzie McGuire
was about. All I know is that Lizzie had some cartoon version of herself that would follow her around. I don’t know if they solved mysteries, schemed together, or if Lizzie was just super high all the time, but what I CAN tell you is that Hilary Duff looked like a Barbie doll whose head had been ripped off and then shoved back down all the way to her shoulders. Girlfriend had no neck, and it was very unfortunate.
But then the post-Disney era dawned, and Hilary starred in a few movies, got a better hairstyle, and solidified herself as a full-fledged teen idol before disappearing off the face of the planet to get married and have babies.
Both of these ladies look like they would put up a good fight, but only one can emerge victorious. So who will it be: Melissa Joan Hart or Hilary Duff?
Melissa Joan Hart
-Magical powers. BOOM. ‘Nuff said. She also may or may not have a glass eye, which is pretty badass.
-Um, see the first bullet point. Do I really need to go on?
-So she hallucinated a cartoon version of herself. Bitch be CRAY CRAY. She’s a loose cannon, which can be advantageous.
-I’m also sure not having a neck for the first part of her career probably gave her a lot of pent-up anger that’s just waiting to be unleashed.