[reflections as an adult: titanic]


Last weekend, my friend Brooke and I saw saw Titanic in 3D, which basically meant we got to see Gloria Stuart’s wrinkles in SPECTACULARLY CLEAR HIGH DEFINITION.

Wasn’t I a dish?
We were so cool we saw the movie PRACTICALLY ON THE ACTUAL ANNIVERSARY OF THE WRECK (April 14th!) and I’m so hipster I didn’t write about it until now. Because only uncool losers do that. Actually, I was too lazy to do a write-up. Same diff. ANYway, while this movie will always hold a special place in my heart (and I won’t let go–see what I did there?) I did pick up on a few things I missed when I was 14, before I got jaded and totally thought Rose and Jack’s love was THE REAL THING. Ah, youth.
1. Rose is unhappy with being rich. Cameron’s tricksy ways dupe us into actually feeling sorry for her–she’s trapped in a stuffy life, engaged to someone she doesn’t really love, blah, blah, blah–but really, her only complaint is that she is unhappy with being rich. And she’s kind of a drama queen about it:
“Titanic was called the ship of dreams to everyone but me. To me it was a slave ship bringing me back to America in chains…I saw my whole life as if I’d already lived it…an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches…”
Really, Rose? This is enough to make you want to throw yourself off the back of the ship? ‘Cause it sounds pretty fan-freaking-tastic to me. Do you even know how awesome yachts are?
Are you kidding me, Rose?

Moreover, have you conversed with an actual slave and told him or her your sob story? Because I’m pretty sure he or she would have a hard time believing that being kidnapped and forced to do manual labor against one’s will is exactly like traveling to America on a luxurious ocean liner where a life of parties and yachts awaits you.

 2. Was Cal Hockley really that bad? Look, I don’t condone hitting women out of anger, but if we objectively look at the situation, Cal only got really stompin’ bitch-slappin’ mad when he suspected Rose to be cheating on him. Which she totally was. Again, I think there were healthier ways in which he could have shown Rose he was angry other than physical violence, but maybe we should cut the guy some slack. At the beginning of the movie he was totally cool and was all, “Open your heart to me, Rose” and gave her a BIG ASS BLUE DIAMOND and Rose pretty much said, “Eff you and your blue diamond, son, I’mma go sleep with a poor guy.” I mean, who wouldn’tget a little miffed in that situation?
3. Why the hell does Old Rose throw the Heart of the Ocean overboard at the end of the movie? Look, I get that it’s a symbolic gesture, that her life of freedom began and ended with Titanic, and that throwing her necklace overboard meant that she was finally letting go (even though she totally said she wouldn’t, liar) and could die a peaceful, fulfilled woman or something, but I think it’s a pretty bitchy move. She knew Bill Paxton’s character had devoted the last three years of his life to finding the damn necklace, and instead of just giving it to him, she throws it in the ocean. I mean, she was 100 years old, she had to have known she was living on borrowed time and could literally die mid-sentence while talking, so what the hell did she care what happened to it? And even if she did it so he could “find” it, how did she know that the necklace would land on or anywhere near the ship? Were they floating directly over the wreck site, or a few yards off? Did she take into account things like water current and the speed at which the necklace would sink? NO SHE DIDN’T. Basically, she screwed his chances of ever finding the necklace, in effect giving him the big ol’ finger before she croaked.
Eff you, sucka


4. Jack only found that one large piece of debris…really? I’m not evengoing into the whole, “that piece of wood was big enough for the two of them” argument (HAHAHAHAHAHA); I’m talking about the fact that Jack only got one piece of woodfor them to cling to until help arrived (GIGGLE GIGGLE SNICKER). Let’s think about this for a moment. A gigantic ocean liner just sunk. Shit is literally floating EVERYWHERE. I’m sure there was more debris from where Jack got that door or whatever it is. If he had enough foresight to get one large piece of debris, he didn’t stop to think, “Hmmm, maybe I should get something else, just in case?” I don’t care if he was swimming in the frigid cold waters of the Atlantic. If he had enough time to get a big-ass piece of wood (again, LOLing) and give Rose a beautiful pep talk about all the things she would do in life, then he had time to grab another piece of debris so he could save himself.

Despite all these things, Titanic is still one of my favorite movies. Like Jack and Rose’s love, I will hold it in my heart until I am 100, and then I’ll go on a cruise and throw the VHS copy my parents still own overboard before I die. MY HEART WILL GO ON.

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