I had big plans for Memorial Day. Well, if I’m being honest, they weren’t exactly big plans, but they were plans to get me out of the apartment and out and about for a few hours. Window shopping. Browsing Barnes & Noble. Walking around Hyde Park Village. But around mid-morning, I decided to do “a bit of reading,” and before I knew it, it was four o’clock and I had finished Fifty Shades. Oh well.
In case you are just joining us, I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and blogging my thoughts along the way. The original idea was to do a regular review after I finished the book, but it turned out to be so spectacularly bad (in the best possible way) that I couldn’t save all my snarky comments for one post. If you are currently reading, or are planning to read, this book, then I will warn you–there are spoilers. So stay away if you don’t want to know what happens. This series is probably also not very safe for work, as past posts have discussed butt plugs and claiming one’s ass, and those might set off alarms in HR if your computer is monitored. If you don’t care about any of the aforementioned items, however, then grab a cup of coffee and stick around (and catch up on parts 1 and 2 if you haven’t done so already).
Alright, ready? Here we go. When we last left off, Ana verbally agreed to Christian’s contract, but still couldn’t quite bring herself to sign on the dotted line. So in order to get some space and think things over, she goes to Georgia to visit her mom. Of course, for the entire first part of her trip she’s constantly emailing and texting Christian, so her plan to “get away” is pretty much going down the crapper. Then Christian shows up at the hotel in which Ana and her mom are having drinks (because that’s not creepy), and Ana decides to go up to his room to try to talk to him about she’s feeling in regards to their situation. They just end up having lots of sex and conversations that go nowhere, but she inexplicably thinks they make some sort of breakthrough. Upon getting back to Seattle, she and Christian have more sex, where she gets brave and asks Christian to show her how bad the punishment portion of his lifestyle can get. After beating her with a belt, Ana is all, “Hells naw, you’re fucked up, son” (which is what she knew all along–even Christian told her that) and leaves him. Fin.
Okay, now let’s start the trash-talking!
It takes Ana until page 413 to Google stalk Christian. My question is, why hasn’t she done it sooner? Most women I know know a potential boyfriend’s hometown, religious views, favorite TV shows, and whether or not he has a rap sheet before the first date. Sure that’s crazy, but we do it in the name of safety because these days, dating is a shit-show and you need to know just how bad the shit’s gonna stink before you sink your feet into it. Or something. Guys, that’s a really awful metaphor. Even while I was typing it, my brain was all, “What the fuck?” Sorry about that. My point is, Christian tells her about his effed-up lifestyle and the type of person he is right off the bat, and he doesn’t give up much more than that. My fingers would be bleeding by the time I finished with Google.
For all her awkwardness and naivety, Ana manages to get lots of sex out of Christian without signing anything. She never signs the contract, but still manages to finagle the closest thing to a relationship out of Christian, which is more than what women who have signed the contract get. So I have to give her props there.
I got tired of Ana always thinking,“Oh my.” I actually found it down right creepy, because in my head it sounded George Takei. Let me tell you, nothing puts a damper faster on a hot sex scene than George Takei.
Ana has some of dumbest thoughts. Cases in point: on p. 464, Christian backs out of having dinner with Ana’s family because he has to go back to Seattle to handle a “situation.” Ana’s response?
“Oh no. The last ‘situation’ he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it’s nothing like that.”
In another scene, Christian has Ana naked, her wrists and ankles chained to the bed in his playroom. She is blindfolded, and she has on headphones, and Christian informs her that music will be playing so she won’t be able to see or hear him. He promises her an intense experience, and her response?
“[Regarding the music] Jeez, I hope it’s not rap.” (p. 487)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, ANA?! How can you have such banal thoughts? Now I’ve thought about some stupid shit (like what if barking like a dog were a language you could learn?) but I would hope that if I found myself in a situation similar to the latter one mentioned above, I would be preoccupied with more than just what type of music I’d be hearing. It’s like Ana just misses the point. The very obvious point. All the time.
As much as I love making fun of this book, the joke is on me. I still got sucked in, hook, line, and sinker. I’m not sure why, as poorly-written books normally drive me crazy and I can’t finish them. Maybe it was the sex. Maybe it was the effed-up love story. Maybe, on some deep, subconscious level,inbsp;/ithis book spoke to me.
Nah. It was totally the sex. Made wading through everything else totally worth it. And bonus–no scenes with butt plugs!