Back in college, my friend Jenna and I had two ideas that would have been our golden tickets had we acted on them. We didn’t, because while they did seem like good ideas, they also sounded really stupid. And I’m pretty sure we were drunk when we came up with both. Turned out the joke was on us because somebody else did act on them and now those people are laughing all the way to the bank while we’re stuck working 9-to-5 jobs.
Exhibit A: One night we came up with the idea of hosting a travel show where the premise was to go to bars across the country, drink, and make new friends. We’d throw in a little “education” at the beginning of each show, like how the long the bar has been around and talk to the owners so it could be aired on the Travel Channel, but the main part of the show would be us throwin’ ’em back and interacting with strangers. I think Jenna and I are pretty entertaining, so the show would be educational as well as comedic gold. Sadly, we never pursued this dream due to lack of a camcorder, funds, and ties to the Travel Channel. Then, a year or so later, I saw the preview for the following show while channel surfing:
Guess what the premise is? Guy travels around to different bars and drinks. Guess what network it airs on? The TRAVEL FUCKING CHANNEL.
Exhibit B: Around the same time we came up with our drinking show idea, we had another idea to design a website that took donations to fund our dream trip to Ireland. We even had the domain name picked out: http://www.sendustoireland.com. We never did design that site, however, because begging is still begging, no matter what shape it takes. We figured all we would raise would be a couple of, “eff yous” and a dollar if we were lucky. Now there’s Kickstarter.
Considering our track records with coming up with not-so-awesome-ideas-that-turn-out-to-be-pretty-awesome, I’m going to put the following idea out there. Television networks, listen up:
Ever since college, Jenna and I have been talking about moving to a shack in Honduras and spending the rest of our days there lazing about on the beach n’ shit. We looked it up, and the cost of living in Honduras is hella cheap. You can get, like, 30 oranges for a smile and a pound of lobster for 10 bucks. For reals. Hell, I could live on lobster and oranges. I probably would need the oranges anyway so I wouldn’t get scurvy since I’d be living in a shack in a third world country. TV networks, this is where you come in: film us. Give us our own reality show that documents our day-to-day activities in our shack with our oranges and our lobsters.
This is television gold. Think “Friends” meets Castaway. “Will they figure out how to start a fire since they have no electricity?” “Do they know how to set up lobster traps?” “Is that local man trying to rob them?” “Did they just make the biggest mistake of their lives?” Finding out is half the fun! Think of the ratings you would get! Now think of the ratings you would get if you gave us an unlimited supply of alcohol! The show practically films itself! I’ve even come up with a catchy name: “First World Problems in a Third World Country.” BAM. You’re welcome. Know what, I’ll up the ante: for an extra 5k, I will get all angsty and guilt-written over my decision to abandon my life in the states go live a hobo’s life in Honduras. For 5k on top of that, I’ll get my parents to write me letters saying how disappointed they are in me and my life’s choices. Dramatic tension. You now have all the elements of an–dare I say it–Emmy-winning show.
Of course, a gem like this will not just fall into your lap without a few stipulations:
1. No spin-offs with any cast members from the following shows:
- Jersey Shore
- Teen Mom
- The Pauly D Project
- Jwoww and Snooki Shack Up (or whatever the hell it’s called)
- Real World
- Real World/Road Rules Challenge
- Anybody who’s ever been on True Life
- Anybody who’s ever been on Made
- Any of the Real Housewives
- Anybody from Punk’d
- Anyone from The Bachelor/Bachelorette
2. Know what, how about no spin-offs at all? And no celebrities. Well, scratch that. ONLY celebrities of whom Jenna and I approve. And they don’t get their own spin-off shows; they have to co-star with us. Here is a working title of approved celebrities for me (please get with Jenna for her choices):
- Mike Rowe
- Darren Criss (he won’t be on Glee forever, he’s going to need work eventually)
- Curtis Stone
- The hot guys from Survivor–any season
3. Sunscreen. Lots of it. An unlimited supply, if you will. Jenna lives in San Francisco, so she hasn’t seen the sun in the last five years, and even though I live in Florida, my skin never learned how to produce melanin. In other words, we’re pasty white, and we lose the fun when we’re in pain from sunburn. We. Need. Sunscreen. The highest SPF.
4. An unlimited supply of alcohol (see above).
There you have it. Only 4 little stipulations (so far) and this beautiful television tapestry can be yours. Both this blog and Jenna’s site have places where you can contact us; we will be waiting for your email. STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT, GUYS.