I’m single, and for the most part, I love it. I can have wine for dinner. If I’m bored on a Saturday night, I can decide to learn the Thriller dance and drink champagne (true story). I don’t always have to wear pants when I’m home. I won’t lie, though, sometimes I think it would be nice to come home to someone besides my dog. And when these moods strike, this is when I look to my inspiration sources.
Unlike most normal women, I don’t get inspiration from stories like, “Oh, Jane Doe was your age, single and working, and then she met her husband. It always comes when you’re not looking for it.” Well of course Jane Doe found someone. She’s a nice, wholesome girl; it’s not a stretch to believe she could find a man who would love and cherish her. What I like are the stories involving really fucked-up people, the kind of people you look at and go, “I feel sorry for whoever he/she ends up with. If he/she ends up with someone, because, honestly, that mofo is a total trainwreck.” The way I look at it is, I’m not completely fucked-up, so if there’s someone out there who is bat-shit crazy and that person manages to find love, then there is hope for me. That is definitive proof that there is truly someone out there for everyone. So let’s check out a few of these crazies, shall we?

1. Debra Lafave

For those of you not up on Florida pop culture, Lafave used to be a teacher at Greco Middle School here in Tampa before her ass got fired for having sex with a student. I recently (as in, earlier today) read that she was engaged (probably married at this point) and has twin boys. Why does her story give me hope? Because if a convicted sex offender can find someone to marry her, then there has to be someone out there who wants to be with me. And I’m way better than a sex offender! Clean record, guys.

2. Ozzy Osbourne

At this point, I’m not even sure of Ozzy Osbourne is a real person or a cartoon character, but animated or not, he managed to find someone to stand by his side going on 30 years. And this is a person who bit the head off a bat.

3. Britney Spears

I don’t think I need to remind you guys of Spears’ epic meltdown back in 2007, the above picture only one in a series of train wrecks that resulted in her dad instituting a conservatorship. But if a formerly bald woman with a dubious taste in men can find her happy ending, then I can too.

I’m thinking I should make a vision board of all these people to see if it’ll speed up the process of me finding somebody. Knowing my luck, though, I’ll just end up bald and eating a bat.*

*J/K about the vision board, guys. That is the stupidest concept I’ve ever heard of.