Tonight, after watching He’s Just Not That Into You and eating chips and salsa, I decided to do Jillian Michaels’ Yoga Meltdown workout. Doing an intense workout after eating is stupid for obvious reasons, and it had been awhile since I’d done this particular workout. Below it a synopsis of what ran through my head as I was doing the moves. (If I’m being completely honest, variations of these thoughts run through my head when I’m doing any workout.)
Jillian Michaels: We’re going to start with a few Sun Salutations.
Me: Oh man, I so pwn Sun Salutations! The Sun and I are like on a first name basis. We’re besties. I’m so awesome.
JM: Now we’re going to go into Downward Dog.
Me: Yessss! I’m almost to the point where I have both feet flat on the ground! I FEEL THE STRETCH, JILLIAN. I’m so awesome.
JM: Now we’re going to do some Chaturanga Push-Ups.
Me: Phew…these are a little tricky. Imma have to come down onto my knees. No worries, ain’t no shame in that! I will work up to a full push-up…boy my arms are shaking, will this be over soon?
JM: Now let’s do some Tea Stand Kicks.
Me: Holy shit, I can’t feel my arms. For serious. Are they still attached to my body? CANNOT. FEEL. MY. ARMS.
JM: Now we’re going to go into a Warrior 3 pose. This is a balance pose, so do the best that you can.
Me: Okay, focus on a point…okay, got it. Wait, no I don’t. Okay, got it. Wait, no I don’t…okay, I definitely have it this time…shit. No I don’t. I’ll just sit this one out.
JM: Now I want you to bend your legs slightly, and put your hands on the ground in front of your feet. Now lift one foot in the air, and then the other one. This is all abs. It does require some upper body strength, but your core is doing most of the work.
Me: Fuck this, I’m out. (goes to take shower and tries to keep from throwing up chips and salsa)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Sunday’s workout.