Ah, Top Gun. The classic fighter pilot movie with pre-batshit crazy Tom Cruise, Dr. Greene, Batman, that dude who was in Roxanne, and Meg Ryan (who I was NOT expecting to see, and was all, “HOLY SHIT MEG RYAN IS IN THIS MOVIE?” Except I yelled it in my head. It would have just been weird to yell it out loud as I was watching it alone.). Yes, I saw it for the first time today. Yes, I am going to review it. Yes, I know it’s 26 years old, BUT GET OFF MY NUTS ABOUT IT, OKAY? Get your own blog and review more current movies if you want and leave those of us who want to critique movies from the 80s ALONE.
In short: I liked it. I can see why it’s a classic. I would even consider buying it. Even the DVD menu was badass. It was all, Maverick! Goose!
Iceberg! Ice Pick! Iceman! Kenny Loggins was all, “I’ll take you right into the danger zone,” and I was all, “Hell YES, Kenny Loggins, TAKE ME INTO THE MOTHAFUCKIN’ DANGER ZONE!” And Kenny Loggins was all, “HANG ON, BITCH, WE’RE GOIN’!” And so we did. And it was epic. I’m not going to go into the plot, as I’m pretty sure I’m the last person in America to see this movie, but I did have some thoughts on a few elements. And even though I like the movie, you know I can’t resist a little snark, so get ready:
1. Iceman wasn’t that big of an asshole. It was my understanding that Iceman was a HUGE asshole, because everybody acts like he is, but the real asshole is Maverick. DON’T ARGUE WITH ME, I AM RIGHT. You’re just blinded by Tom Cruise’s dreaminess and testosteroney goodness. Maverick is a good pilot, but he just does some crazy ass shit with no regard to his or anybody else’s safety. He’s all, “I’m Maverick, I do what I want, bitches!” and that makes Iceman a little uncomfortable because would you want to fly with someone in a combat situation who is a GODDAMN DEVIANT? I get where Iceman is coming from; I’d feel the same way. I mean, take this convo he has with Maverick at the very beginning of their acquaintance:
Iceman: You two really are cowboys.
Maverick: What’s your problem, Kazanski?
Iceman: You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.
Maverick: That’s right! Ice… man. I am dangerous.
What the FUCK is Iceman supposed to do with that except distrust and treat Maverick like he’s an asshole (which he is!)?
2. It’s a very homoerotic movie. After awhile, the pissing contest between Maverick, Goose, Iceman, and Slider kind of started to feel like sexual chemistry. Like hot, macho, fighter pilot man-love. Maybe it was scenes like this (I could only find the original scene in Spanish, sorry). Maybe it was Iceman’s flirtatious love bite. Maybe it was Goose’s warm embrace of Maverick. Do you really need more examples? Even Quentin Tarantino agrees with me.
3. There is a lot of sweating in this movie. They sweat when they’re nervous. They sweat when they’re sad. They sweat while they’re flying. Maverick even GOES ON A FUCKING DATE COVERED IN SWEAT (more evidence he’s an asshole). It seems as if everybody has a severe glandular problem because they all look like they got caught in a rainstorm.
4. Goose takes his kid to a bar. Filled with thick cigarette smoke and drunk people. Way to parent, Goose.
Even with all the ridiculous elements, Top Gun is still great. In fact, I don’t think it would be the classic we know and love if it didn’t have those elements. And it has one of the most kick-ass theme songs, amirite? If my life could have a real-time theme song, I’d want it to be “Danger Zone.” It would make anything I do sound important and exciting. I could be doing something as simple as going to Publix for groceries, but “Danger Zone” would take it from “I’m going to Publix for groceries” to “I’m going to Publix for groceries, MOTHERFUCKER.”
If it weren’t for Top Gun, my theme song wouldn’t have existed. So thank you, Top Gun. Don’t ever get re-booted.