This could also include the songs that go with these videos. But just like how I have a soft spot for horrendous movies, I also have one for equally bad music videos. So without further ado, here are my picks for the top five worst music videos (and songs!) in the world, ever:
5. Gangnam Style–PSY
I’ve been hearing this on the radio for a few weeks now, but only saw the video just last week, when my friend Ali emailed it to me. Watching it, my co-workers and I were just like:
I don’t even know. I DON’T EVEN KNOW, GUYS. I feel like if I were to go to South Korea and drop acid, the result would be this music video. I don’t even know what it’s saying. I kept hearing “condom star,” and Ali and her boyfriend kept hearing, “Open condom style,” both of which make sense in a really fucked-up way.
Just for the record, I have no idea if Snoop Dogg goes around calling nerdy white people racist names. In my head, it just sounded right in his voice, so I went with it. Snoop could be the least racist person in the world, I wouldn’t know. I don’t know him personally. But if he ever called me a “cracka,” I wouldn’t be offended. In fact, I’d shout from the mountain-tops (which, realistically, would be the replica of Mount Everest at Disney World, since Florida has no mountains), “SNOOP DOGG JUST CALLED ME A CRACKA, HOW COOL IS THAT?!” But again, I’M NOT CALLING SNOOP DOGG RACIST. Okay, I’ll stop now. I don’t even know what this whole paragraph is about, guys. Much like this music video. BOOM. FULL CIRCLE.
4. Jump in my Car–David Hasselhoff
Considering the Knight Rider and Baywatch references, and the fact that at one point he’s wearing a shirt that says, “Don’t Hassel the Hoff,” I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be bad on purpose. Still, though. It’s BAD. I can’t remember how I ran across this song; all I remember is that this was the song of the summer a few years ago. And by that, I mean my friend Hope and I kept singing it over and over to annoy our friend Monica. Ali watched it recently and she said it made her feel uncomfortable and weird inside. Way to go, David Hasselhoff.
3. Yatta–Green Leaves
Ah, yet another Asian song/music vid that makes me go, “WTF?!” My friend Ned somehow ran across this gem in college, and I believe we would watch it at least once a day every day for about a week. Once again: I don’t even know.
2. Smell Yo Dick–Riskay
Check out this classy video! What makes it such, I wonder? Maybe it’s because she bleaches his clothes with Great Value bleach (paying more for brand-name goods is for punk ass bitches, and Riskay AIN’T NO PUNK ASS BITCH). Or maybe it’s because she demands he drop trou so she can sniff his dingalicious to try to detect any evidence of that stripper ho named Diamond. I still can’t decide. Sadder than that, though, is that I have this song on my iPod and my sister and I may or may not have a whole routine, with parts and everything. Which means we totally do. I know all the rap portions. It’s okay. You can judge. I know I do.
1. The Worst Music Video of All Time
I don’t even know the actual name of this song, as it’s actually been titled, “The Worst Music Video of All Time” on YouTube. I have to agree. This guy is trying so hard to be so serious, so thought-provoking, and so goddamn PATRIOTIC, and the entire attempt just fails at life. I get the feeling he’s trying to channel Michael Bolton, and still manages to suck harder than Michael Bolton. And he’s up against stuff like this: