[4 people who would make better head coaches than skip holtz]

I’m an alumna of the University of South Florida (USF), which means that I am a Bulls fan, for better or worse. Unfortunately, the football team has been testing out that whole “for worse” part since the arrival of new head coach Skip Holtz in 2010. The embarrassing 40-9 loss against Miami was the stinky icing on top of the shit cake that has been USF’s football program for the past two years, and it got me thinking about all the other people out there who would make better head coaches. Before I get into that, though, let me provide a quick timeline of USF’s football history for those of you not acquainted: (courtesy of Go USF Bulls):

  • 9/6/97-USF’s first football game, with Jim Leavitt as head coach.
  • 10/3/98-9/27/03-A dubious football track record, peppered with a few wins here and there, but overall nothing to write home about.
  • 11/4/03-USF is invited to join the Big East Conference, which is a step up from Conference USA. It accepts said invitation, and students are all like, “WTF?!” because of the aforementioned dubious football track record.
  • 05/04-12/23/06-More dubious football playing, although there is a slight improvement toward the end.
  • 9/16/07-12/11/07-USF is improving! We’re being ranked in polls, our games are being aired on ESPN2, and George Selvie is the first player students and alums can name. Say whaaa?!
  • 8/16/08-12/20/08-More of the same. Poll rankings! Wins! Drastic improvement! Say whaaa?!
  • 9/26/09-USF beats Florida State, causing Bull fans everywhere to be all, “Suck it, FSU! You just got pwned by a football team that’s less than 20 years old!”
  • January 2010: Jim Leavitt is fired after choke-slamming one of his players. 
  • 01/15/2010: Skip Holtz is announced as the new head coach, thus starting the downward spiral of shame and sadness that will be USF’s football program for the next two years. There are a few wins, like Notre Dame and Miami, but those don’t really amount to much in the grand scheme of things.

And that brings us to the present, and back to people who would make  better head coaches than Skip Holtz. So without further ado:

Four People Who Would Make Better Head Coaches Than Skip Holtz (in no particular order):

1. Hayden Fox

Yes, he’s a fictional TV show character, but Coach Fox was able to get a win in the Pioneer Bowl, resulting in a National Championship for his Minnesota State Screaming Eagles. And that’s one more National Championship than USF has. 
2. 2009 Bobby Bowden
Sure, Saint Bobby is legendary, but let’s be real: his last few years as Florida State’s head coach were no bueno. But I’m willing to bet that even if we had 2009 Bobby Bowden coaching 2012 USF, we’d still have more wins than we do currently. 
3. My friend Jenna
Jenna’s areas of expertise may be in travel, food, and public relations, but after that loss to Miami, she offered to take over coaching duties for free. The result was a #HIREJENNA trending topic on Twitter:
Jenna is a die-hard Bulls fan, and although she has no coaching experience, she does have passion and a working knowledge of football, which I’m pretty sure could lead to more wins than what Holtz has been able to scrape together. 
4. A Trained Monkey
Football isn’t rocket science. If we can teach American Sign Language to a primate, then it’s not too much of a stretch to teach one how to coach effectively. 
I’m pretty sure the current season is shot, so let’s hope the Bulls can get it together next season. #HIREJENNA. Or anybody else, for that matter. 

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