In an effort to get out of my comfort zone and “put myself out there” more when it comes to dating, I took a baby step and opened up a profile on OKCupid. That’s pretty much all I will say on the subject, right after I share with you what I got in my email this morning: a love map. A visual of all my best matches in geographical form. Let’s take a look, shall we?

If this is to be believed, I’m hot stuff in the Deep South, and, randomly, North Dakota. If this chart was based primarily on my political and religious beliefs, I could see how I got the states that I did. I tend to swing a little more toward the conservative side so I could see how liberal states like Massachusetts and California would be out. However, there is a larger concentration of Catholics (my faith) in the northeast, which are my “bad” states. While some of my beliefs might align more with those good Christian folks in the Bible belt, I’m preeeeetty sure the number of Protestants who think the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon in the book of Revelation outweighs any eligible Catholic bachelors that might be located there. My point is, if I did indeed live in the Deep South, I think the only interest I would get from the opposite sex would be one for my soul, and I would rather take my chances in any of the bad states. Ironically, we’d match up in the religion department.

If you’ll notice, Florida is light blue, 2012-election style, which, along with my pasty white skin and annual beach trip, (yes, you read that right) confirms my suspicion I’m living in the wrong state. And, considering the huge disappointment my dating life has been, I wonder if there’s some little bit of truth to this map. It kind of makes me want to get stupid drunk, watch Bridget Jones’ Diary, and between uncontrollable, wine-infused sobs, sing, “All By Myself,” Bridget-style.

But wait! There’s another chart! Let’s look at where my best matches are located, IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD!

France is out, so apparently it’s au revoir (see what I did there?) to a dude with a sexy accent. As far as my best countries, I don’t even…I don’t. Even. Know. (Jamaica? Jamaica?!)

The main lesson we can take away from this is that I’m screwed nationally and internationally and I should follow my inclination to sell all my shit, move to Hawaii, and teach surf lessons. And Hawaii is neutral. Perfect.