[gummy finger thievery]

Ah, the holiday season. A time for gathering with family, reflecting on the true meaning of the season–and stealing other people’s shit.
In my day job, I process a lot of invoices, which means rifling through a lot of paper. To help me with that endeavor, I employ the use of what I call my “gummy finger”–pink stuff in a jar that helps me grip the paper a little better. It looks like this:



It’s pretty effing gross, actually, but it’s better than licking my fingers, so I use it. But within the last few months, someone at the office has been stealing it off my desk, because I’m on my third jar, the other two having inexplicably disappeared.

First of all–what in the actual fuck? Out of all the crap in, on, and around my desk, including protein bars and valuable McDonald’s coupons, why would somebody steal my frigging gummy finger? Is their sorting task really that urgent where they can’t go to the supply closet and get their own? Or are they trying to “live on the edge” by stealing and going about it in a very stupid way?

Second of all, this is not the first time something weird and random has happened to me on the job. The toothless lady with whom I worked at the company I interned at in college (yup, read that right) would set pictures of Dustin Diamond as my computer desktop wallpaper on the days I wasn’t there (yep, still reading correctly). At my last job, a guy in a neighboring department would always ask if my department had the most random things, such as movie projectors (movie projectors? Do people still use those?). And don’t even get me started on what I witnessed when I worked retail–that is a shit-show and a half. So when my second jar of gummy finger disappeared in as many months, I wasn’t really surprised, but I was kind of surprised, because WHO THE HELL STEALS SOMETHING AS INSIGNIFICANT AS GUMMY FINGER? So I had to resort to drastic measures when it came to my third jar:

2012-12-11 10.47.11


Guys, I shouldn’t have to protect my jar of gummy finger by threatening to cut off someone’s fingers. Cutting off someone’s fingers is punishment for something like flicking off a nun or punching my dog in her face. Not for gummy finger. Never for gummy finger.

It’s a sad world we live in. The mind boggles.

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