[two things i refuse to do as part of a couple]

While at dinner the other night with my friend and her fiancé, my friend asked if I found myself saying “we” a lot more now that I have a man-friend. For all intents and purposes, I’ll refer to my man-friend as T-Bone because it’s more fun for me that way and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read this blog (not that it would matter if he did, honestly). Out of respect for him, T-Bone will probably not pop up a lot in these pages unless it’s in conjunction with something ridiculous and/or completely asinine I’ve told him, or when I mention that he finally dumped my ass via a Post-It because of one too many “my mom” jokes.

ANYway, I told her that the only time I would use the term “we” was if I were talking about actually, physically going someplace with T-Bone, i.e., “We went to the movies.” “We went to World of Beer.” “We drove down to the Everglades to dump a body and get the plates changed on the car.” Because, fuck that noise. Coupled-up or not, it irritates the bejeezus out of me when I hear one-half of a couple say things like, “We think Mitch Hedburg was the Kurt Cobain of comedy” or, “We think the solution to the conflict in Syria lies with Russia.”

It’s cool to be part of a “we,” it’s just a little scary when you phrase it as if Captain Howdy invaded your body and is speaking on behalf of the both of you.

Then my friend asked if we were doing a couples costume for my Halloween-themed birthday pub crawl, and I was all, “Oh, HALE NAW.” Just doing a Google Image Search for “couples costumes” turns up an eclectic variety of options ranging from super cheesy to downright disturbing. Couples costumes, as well as bridal showers with tiny, crust-less sandwiches and baby showers that don’t involve alcohol are the stuff of which my nightmares are made:

Having said all that, however, I will admit there are exceptions: committing a murder with your significant other (“We were on Snapped!”) and this costume, because Arrested Development? Hell yeah.

 

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