[more thoughts on dinosaur porn]

I’m going to start this post off by talking about something really sweet and adorable, and then follow it up with something horrendously tasteless. Ready? Let’s get to it.
This video has gone viral like a motherfucker:

Tatia Pilieva’s “First Kiss” depicts complete strangers kissing for the very first time. It’s at once awkward, sweet, and electric, and oh-so-wonderfully human. Although if you put that ish in technicolor, set it in a club, and throw in a couple bottles of booze, you have a typical Saturday night for a portion of the single population. But I digress.

Now for the horrendously tasteless portion of tonight’s post: dinosaur porn!

dino porn(source)

My previous post on dino erotica was pretty much a, “OMG you guys, this shit exists!” It was a reaction post, if you will. But I’ve since had some time to mull it over, and I now share a few more thoughts. But first, a synopsis of Taken by the T-Rex, just so you’ll get a feel for the type of classy material we are dealing with here:

Drin is her tribe’s chief huntress; she lives for the thrill of the hunt. Men and sex hold no allure for her, as Drin has never found a partner to satisfy her. When a T-Rex descends upon her village, destroying it, Drin demands that the tribe’s hunters go in search of the beast and slaughter it. Opting for safety instead of revenge, the tribe moves to a new location, hoping that the big beast won’t follow them.
It does.
Drin taunts the beast, giving her tribes mates time to flee. As she runs, leading it through a gauntlet of traps, the thrill of the hunt soars through her blood, leaving her wet with desire. When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.

(source)

1. No man can satisfy this bitch? Seriously? You mean to tell me that this woman is so hard to please sexually that she’d rather sleep with a reptile than a human being? There’s knowing what you like, and then there’s being picky, and homegirl is just being too damn picky. And I am no expert in the mating habits of humans, cavemen or non, but if she’s willing to get intimate with a dinosaur, it probably means she likes it a little rough. And I’m sure she could probably find a cave dude willing to give it to her like that. I mean, they’re effing cave people. They’re prehistoric. Isn’t that their M.O.?

2. How would that even work? And I’m not just talking about the dino’s dong. Rexy’s hands wouldn’t be able to disrobe her or anything like that. They’re pretty much fucking useless at everything, just dangling there. Unless he rips her clothes off with his teeth or something. Which is probably what happens (if you couldn’t already tell, I have not read any of these stories).

3. Um, STD central, hello. The shit humans are crawling with is bad enough; I don’t even want to think about what bacteria is lurking in T-Rex splooge. I imagine whatever it is makes her ovaries just drop out of her when she least expects it, like when she’s gathering berries or something. Kind of like that scene in Monty Python, but way more horrific and gross.

4. Apparently dino porn and related “monster porn” are big business. This has me questioning all of my life’s choices. In this article, the women who author the dinosaur erotica claim that their earnings combined is more than the salary of an engineer at Boeing. And the lady who writes Bigfoot porn claims to make $30,000 a month.

Jackie-chan-meme

Um, what? All these years of toiling at crappy jobs to work my way up the corporate food chain and enduring brief periods of unemployment when I could have written some ish about lizards and humans getting it on and banked? COME ON. I love the job I currently have, but it doesn’t make me $30K per month. That’s for damn sure.

(source)

 

So, to sum up: dinosaur porn is real, it’s ridic, and it can make you a lot of money. Jeff Goldblum laughs at us all:

 

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