Last weekend, my sister and I saw the IT remake. And while I didn’t particularly care for the snooze fest that was the book (it’s called editing, Stephen, ever heard of it?), I thoroughly enjoyed this reboot.
For those of you living under a rock and/or who hadn’t been traumatized by Tim Curry’s Pennywise as a kid, IT follows a group of friends – dubbed The Losers Club – as they battle an ancient evil, first as kids, then as adults. This evil takes on the form they are most afraid of. In the book, IT‘s form ranges from a werewolf to a leper, to Pennywise, and you also see IT‘s many forms in both the original miniseries and the reboot. Of course, when you’re a kid, what you’re afraid of are things that are truly terrifying if they were real: monsters, spiders, and, yes, clowns. But would the things thirty-something women fear be decent fodder for a horror movie? I’m not so sure…
A Man Who Can’t Commit
If you are a thirty-something woman, chances are you may be looking to settle down. So it really sucks when you find yourself wasting your precious, child-bearing years on a player. Then, because that asshole made you hyper-sensitive about making the same mistake twice, you start looking for player-like qualities in all of the subsequent men you date – even if there are none. This then turns you into a crazed, desperate woman who starts talking about marriage and babies on the first date in an effort to weed out the guys who aren’t looking for a relationship – all in the name of just trying to “find a good man without wasting my time.” A truly terrifying prospect, but the stuff of which horror films are made? Not really. In fact, I see this IT form getting ready to bite off your arm, only at the last minute to stop and go for the arm of another woman. Even when it comes to an ancient evil, a girl still can’t win.
Those Five Extra Pounds
You know what I’m talking about: “I just need to lose those five extra pounds, and then I’ll be at my goal weight!” “Ugh, I gained five pounds over the holidays, looks like rabbit food for me for the next few weeks!” Almost every woman has at least some weight she wants to lose, whether it’s five pounds or fifty. And to dovetail off this, we also might be looking to eradicate the cellulite on our asses, or the flab under our arms, and standing on that scale (or looking in that mirror) only to see that our efforts don’t look like they’re paying off is scary. But horror movie scary?
Actually, a blob of fat with fangs chasing someone through sewers does sound pretty frightening, so maybe it could work.
Okay, so I know grey hair is a thing right now. Kelly Osbourne made it chic or whatever, and now everybody’s panties are wet at the idea of sporting a classy silver mane. But we all know it’s a phase, and in, like, 13 months we’ll go back to freaking out upon spotting the odd grey hair. It’s a reminder that we can’t stay young and beautiful forever, and we’ll eventually die. But despite the ominous message, grey hair just wouldn’t be that scary in a movie, fangs or no fangs.
Not Getting a Tax Refund from the IRS
You know what, not getting a tax refund, or, even worse – owing the IRS money – is a truly frightening prospect for any adult, horror movie or no horror movie. I myself recently had to give the IRS $200 because of an amended tax return, and my heart still palpitates whenever I think about it. OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS – Pennywise as a tax auditor. He doesn’t show up to eat you, he just wants to see your receipts from the last three years. I’ve got FUCKING chills.
Damn, this list kind of depresses me. It just goes to show that we lose our imaginations as we get older. We stop fearing shit like clowns and werewolves and start being afraid of things like getting Type 2 Diabetes and heart disease (which, in its defense, has a really cool nickname, the Silent Killer). And getting older means we’re that much closer to death, which means…
::scrambles to the bathroom mirror to look for grey hairs::
What are some “adult” fears you have that wouldn’t translate to a horror movie?