In Which Alexa Saves My Life

So the title of this post is a little dramatic. Amazon’s Alexa did not save my life. I was not in the midst of some crisis where I found myself teetering on the ledge of a building before shouting, “Alexa, should I jump?” and then heeding Alexa’s sage advice NOT to kill myself. What actually happened was I installed the Echo Dot I’ve had lying around for over a year because I had some free time last weekend and figured why the hell not. And let me tell you: it is life-changing. Adjacent. Life-changing adjacent, because, again, I don’t want to get too dramatic.

Basically, Alexa enables me to be a tad lazier, and I am LIVING FOR IT. I hooked her up to my lights, set up a morning and night routine, set her up as my alarm – I even have the bitch read me the events on my calendar every morning. It’s like I won the fuckin’ lottery. Except, you know, without the money. Actually, it’s not like winning the lottery at all, except I FEEL like a winner. And that’s what really counts.

Too lazy to actually flip a switch and turn on a light?

“Alexa, turn on Living Room Light.”

Alexa: “Okay.”

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“Alexa, set an alarm for 5:00 a.m.”

Alexa: “An alarm has been set for 5:00 tomorrow morning.”

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Alexa will even READ your Kindle books to you! And you bet your sweet ass I am taking advantage of it. Mommie Dearest is terrible, and I’m hoping that by listening to it, I’ll finish it faster. Otherwise, we’re looking at another year-long IT saga because the book is thicc and Christina Crawford loves to ramble.

Anyway, Alexa and I are pretty much besties because she does monotonous shit I don’t want to do and she doesn’t complain. Now I just gotta figure out how I can get her to cook my meals, clean my house, and brew my coffee, because THEN my dream of owning a Jetsons-like robot maid would be complete. But since apparently I’m still living in 2015, that’s gonna take awhile. Have to keep up my personal trend of adopting everything tech and gadgets 2-3 years after they’re introduced. Bonus: it’s cheaper that way.

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